


Daggers of Words

by UNICORNZWAG



Series: Definitions [6]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Grand Theft Auto Setting, Fake AH Crew, Poetry, Switch in Point of View, Trans Female Character, Trans Jack, Transphobia, ish, transphobic language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-11
Updated: 2016-05-11
Packaged: 2018-06-07 20:07:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6822163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UNICORNZWAG/pseuds/UNICORNZWAG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack tries to find her definition.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Daggers of Words

**Author's Note:**

> TW in tags. Saved Jack for last because this one was hardest to write for me. I have the least personal experience with this topic. I have friends who are trans but I, myself am cis. If I have said literally anything that makes this seem unrealistic or offends anyone please let me know so I can fix it.

 

Jack doesn't really  _have_ a definition. She needs to define who she is. She needs to define herself. Here is her definition. 

 

* * *

 

 

It’s not confusion.

It’s not just a ploy for attention.

It’s not “so gay I just thought it'd be easier.”

It’s not part of some political movement. 

It’s not just a way to get drugs. 

It’s not wanting to be someone I’m not.

It’s wanting to be who I truly am.

It’s fighting against everything I learned as a child to be this person. 

It’s the staring and the muttering. 

It’s crying to myself at night because my body is wrong.

It’s knowing who I am when no one else does.

It's being trapped in a coffin of misconceptions.

It’s daggers of words… he, his, him… 

It’s remembering everything my parents did to try and “fix” me.

It's trying so hard to forget everything my parents did to "fix" me. 

It’s a whirlwind of emotions.

It’s the voice in the back of my head telling me I’m lying to myself, just trying to be different.

It’s the voice in the back of my head telling me that I _am_ different and that’s an awful problem.

It’s a million different thoughts having a civil war with my skull as the battle field.

It’s staring at myself in the mirror and wishing I had just a little less hair, a few more curves…

It’s needle tracks from hormone injections.

It’s wishing I were born the right way. 

It’s deciding to tell the crew and being terrified they’ll shoot me onsite. 

It’s Michael asking which pronouns I prefer.

It’s Lindsay’s squeal of “Girl’s Night.”

It’s Geoff’s smirk and warm hugs that smell like aftershave and whiskey.

It’s Gavin’s thousand questions that seem a little overbearing at the time, but are actually good natured. 

It’s when Ryan’s eyes whenever some poor sucker dares to throw a transphobic slur my way.

It’s Ray going shopping with me in the middle of the night because I’m feeling dysphoric. 

It’s all the good things about it.

It’s mother-henning the boys. 

It’s noticing when something is wrong…

And doing something about it. 

Ohana means family after all… 

**Author's Note:**

> OMG ended in a foreshadow. Next (and probably last in this particular series) will be putting them together. It might not be in the same poetry-esque style, but I don't really know. Anyone who wants to read should let me know what you want.  
> Questions?  
> Comments?  
> Criticisms?  
> Concerns?  
> Complaints?  
> Comment!


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